It's not all sunshine and rainbows in Jess land all the time.
Over the last several weeks, I have been having a crazy internal debate about whether or not I am going to do the Philly Tri.
The fact of the matter is I do not want to do this race. At all. And honestly, I never really did.
I signed up for Philly as a replacement when the DC Tri was canceled back in March. And from the moment I hit the "Submit" button and handed the race organizers something near $200, I felt an overwhelming sense of dread.
I dreaded training for the race, doing the race, and most importantly traveling to the race.
I immediately regretted signing up for the race and wasting money on something my heart clearly wasn't in.
But I kept pushing on with my training, hoping I'd catch a bit of a spark or somewhere find an ounce of excitement about this race.
It never happened.
Instead I began to dread the race more and more. I got through the Annapolis Tri and had a fun time, but I remember telling Tracy and Zach as soon as I crossed the finish line that I wasn't doing Philly. I called my mom and told her the same thing.
But then Zach kind of guilted me back into it. Telling me a whole bunch of mumbo-jumbo about following through with goals and not being a quitter and all.
(Edit: Zach is definitely against my dropping out of this race, but I think saying he guilted me back into it was a bit harsh. I felt guilty because I know he'd be bummed and disappointed if I didn't do it, and he did try to motivate me with a little bit of talk about setting goals and going after them. But in hindsight, it really just sounds like Zach was an ass, which he wasn't.)
And now we're a week out from the race. I still don't want to do Philly, but now I feel guilty about feeling that way.
Would dropping out make me a big fat quitter? Would I be branded with a giant Q? Would you guys judge me and think less of me for not following through?
Would it make me less of an athlete? Would it detract from all the other goals I've set out to accomplish? Would it set a horrible precedent?
I'm not injured, so Zach says I have no legitimate reason for not doing the race.
Yes, I could probably finish. I have a strong fitness base, so I could push through the swim, bike and run. But it certainly wouldn't be my best performance, and while there's always pride in crossing a finish line, no matter slow you go, I think this race would have a little asterisk next to it in my mind, knowing I didn't put in the work I could have to do my best.
Hell if this was a local race, I'm sure I'd do it, struggle through it and take the crappy time.
But I am seriously questioning if I should travel up to Philly, waste a weekend when my brother will be in DC visiting friends, to do a race I'm not truly prepared for and that my heart isn't in.
I haven't made a final decision either way. I think I'd be happier dropping out, but I feel a soul-crushing guilt about even considering that.
This has been weighing heavily on me for a while. I hate disappointing people more than anything in the world. This post is hard to write and I could certainly use some advice or words of wisdom.